Last month, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince announced that he would donate $37,000 to Princeville, a small town in eastern North Carolina.
Apparently, he contributed the money after reading about the devastation wreaked in the tiny community by Hurricane Floyd, last September. Princeville zoning officer Sam Knight said the funds will pay for building materials.
Now, for readers who are unaware of his more interesting career highlights, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince entered the world 42 years ago as Prince Rogers Nelson. As he embarked on his controversial music career, he shortened his name to Prince.
Prince began running into trouble over creative control with Warner Brothers, his record label, in 1987. He would often appear with the word SLAVE written across his cheek. On his birthday, June 5, 1993, Prince officially changed his name to an unpronounceable glyph, a combination of male and female symbols that entered his consciousness during meditation.
The announcement caused immediate confusion. How would reporters refer to the musician in print without mentioning his name? How could tabloids gossip about his seatless trousers, impromptu Paisley Park garage sales, or that odd romance with Kim Basinger?
After a brief uproar, Warner Brothers sent out computer diskettes containing the symbol, so that it could be used in print. But journalists still weren't happy. Finally, a British reporter dubbed him The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. That lengthy designation is regularly shortened by diligent editors, many of whom simply call him The Artist. (It gets weirder. News agencies overlooked in Warner Brothers' distribution of The Diskette sometimes call him O{+>.)
Now that we've reviewed the history of his name, let's explore the possibilities. Though he's never been to Princeville, nor does he have any ties to the town, The Artist sent $37,000 for building supplies. Apparently, he felt a connection to the place because of its name – though he abdicated the "Prince-ly" portion of his own moniker over six years ago.
All this is well and good, but what does this have to do with ME? After Hurricane Floyd, many residents of my little town of Conway, South Carolina felt our community had been treated in the national press like a redheaded stepchild. North Carolina got the coverage, the sympathy, and the visit from the President. Conway got… wetter.
So I figure that this is a great chance to gain some recognition – and perhaps some aid for Conway's flood victims, too. Remember Tim Conway, star of "The Apple Dumpling Gang" and "The Billion Dollar Hobo"? A well-placed suggestion, presented to his manager in the right way, could benefit us all. If Tim donated a moderate sum to our little river town, he'd earn some great press, and Conway could get back on its feet in no time!
On second thought, America's favorite comic actor may be running short on spare change. Things have been quiet for him since he made those wacky Dorf videos. Perhaps we should talk to Conway Twitty, America's beloved country balladeer, singer of songs like "Fit To Be Tied Down" and "Tight Fittin' Jeans"?
Oops! Twitty died on June 5, 1993, just two days before TAFKAP's name change announcement. Mere coincidence? Or mystical sign? Perhaps we should take a cue from The Artist, and change Conway's name altogether. We could call ourselves The Town Formerly Known As Conway, or simply The Town. We could get somebody to design an unpronounceable glyph to distribute to the world's news agencies.
But that wouldn't inspire any donations, would it?
Okay, here's a different strategy.
According to the Internet's Bill Gates Net Worth Page, Microsoft's stock was up by $1.25 on February 22, 2000. This means Gates made another $983,824,125.00 today.
Bill's richer than Chile. He's richer than Egypt and Pakistan. He's got more money than Boeing, AT&T, and Philip Morris.
If Bill wanted to fly all his money someplace (say to Manhattan, to carpet it), he'd need 613.6 Boeing 747-400s.
He could send 542,750 students to Harvard, and keep them there till they graduated. He could purchase 829 million copies of Windows '98 for all his closest friends. He could buy 7,457,386,867 Viagra tablets (at $10 each) and share them with 20,417,212 lucky guys (or take them all himself, one per day, over the next twenty million years).
It costs roughly $30,000 to purchase the building materials for a 3-bedroom home for Habitat for Humanities. (Labor is donated.) Bill could donate materials for 2,485,795 homes, according to the Net Worth site. If each home held 4 1/2 occupants; Bill could provide shelter for 11,186,080 people.
Wouldn't it be nice to live in Billville?
SITES TO SEE
The Internet is filled with a number of excellent and irreverent pages which focus on Bill Gates and his Amazing Wallet. The sites below are enthusiastically recommended:
Bill Gates Net Worth Site
Make Me Richer Than Bill Gates
Punch Bill Gates In The Face
How To Become As Rich As Bill Gates
Why Bill Gates Is Richer Than You
Caroline Wright, of
WRIGHT FOR YOU
Word Services, is a freelance writer. A former resident of Hawaii, she now
lives in rural South Carolina. Feel free to e-mail your comments to Caroline
at
cw@wrightforyou.com.
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