New Year’s Day is generally a day of recovery, isn’t it? Many of us wake up
when the sun is high over the yardarm, wishing that we hadn’t consumed QUITE so
much champagne the night before. There’s nothing like ending a year with a
couple bottles of Cold Duck. But some people believe that the birth of the new
millennium will have an effect far more permanent and painful than a killer
hangover. These fearless prognosticators are predicting TEOTWAWKI.
No, silly, TEOTWAWKI is NOT the Apache word for “Big Cold Duck That Bites Your
Ass Really Hard Once A Year”. It’s the acronym for The End Of The World As We
Know It. But Pat Robertson and other embrace-the-apocalypse folks aren’t the
only ones screaming TEOTWAWKI at the top of their lungs. Even Y2K initiative
bulletins, supposedly written by conservative, rational industry experts, are
beginning to carry an audible note of panic and hysteria.
I’m ashamed to admit that I kept my head in the Y2K sand for as long as I did.
I’ve been planning a New Year’s Eve party, you see, and I must confess that
I’ve been thinking more about noisemakers and canapes than accidental bomb
detonations and tainted water sources. But then I read an article that made me
totally revise my party plans.
The article, which appeared a few months ago in
Vanity Fair
(yes, I admit without shame that
VF
is my favorite magazine) alleged that the majority of U.S. government agencies
had completely ignored initial warnings from a few industry experts, had
continued to ignore them even in the face of early system failures, and now it
was probably too late to prevent complete global disaster.
Sigh. Here I was, looking forward to nothing more than a simple hangover and a
trashed house for my New Year’s Day awakening. And now I find out that I’m
supposed to be preparing for the Apocalypse?
What’s a hostess to do?
Well, thank goodness for the World Wide Web! With the help of hundreds of
well-prepared organizations offering fine Y2K products for sale on the
Internet, I’ll be able to plan my Armageddon event in high survivalist style.
I think I’ll look for menu tips at
Lumen Foods
, a company which takes the possibility of a food shortage very seriously. For
only $760.00 per person, I can buy 381 lbs. of tasty vittles which, the site
claims, will feed one individual for at least twelve months. My guests will be
dining like doomed gourmets, enjoying hors d’oeuvres I’ve created using the
carefully
macrobalanced food shipped in 14 Super Pails. The meals in SUPER PAILS #11 and
#12 sound particularly tasty. They include those old MRE favorites Chicken A
La King, Chunky Beef Stew, and Hungarian Goulash. Oh, yummy! And my
vegetarian friends will be delighted to find that SUPER PAILS #13 and 14
contain fifteen thirst-quenching lbs. of "Heaven on Earth Hi-Protein Soymilk"
and ten delectable lbs. of “Heartline Meatless Meats (Chicken Fillet Style)”.
A good hostess must select her party outfit with care. She must take
particular pains to ensure that her attire will be both elegant so as to
inspire admiration, and appropriate for the surroundings and theme. In my
Level-IIA Kevlar Ballistic Vest with non-ballistic trauma plate, I am certain
to be the envy of all my guests. I can order this functional millennium
fashion statement from the Armageddonists at
Y2KBodyArmor.com
. If I REALLY
want to create a buzz in my salon, I can accessorize my vest without even leaving this site. for only about $29,000, I can pick up a 1960 Ferret
Armored Scout Car, which comes with a 360-degree traversing armored turret,
2,500 rounds of factory fresh ammunition, and a cleaning kit.
After their Chicken A La King orgy, I’m sure that my guests will be lining up
for the potty. I’m so glad my home has three bathrooms. . . Oops! Silly me!
My toilets aren’t going to be WORKING, because the water supply will have been
taken over by the Chinese government or something. Luckily, the good folks at
When Nature Calls
can help. With their complete line of toilet helper products, including
privacy tents, environmentally friendly toilet paper, and a handsome bucket
complete with its own comfy polyurethane seat, we’ll be able to turn my
backyard into a giant privy in just minutes! And if the bucket should spring a
leak, who cares? I’ll have 14 empty SUPER PAILS, just for life’s little
emergencies!
When the party’s over, I’m going to want to send my guests home. But what if
their homes are gone, lost to nuclear explosion, riot-driven looting, or some
other TEOTWAWKI catastrophe? Well, it’s not too late for them to apply for one
of the hot-ticket vacancies at
Home 2K
. Members of Home 2K will live in caves in an undisclosed location; the photos
of this charming dwelling include one of “a few colony members searching for
bats”. Acceptance to the Clan of The Cave Nerds is based on the applicant’s
physical fitness, age, survival skills, and openmindedness. Though the
Cavemaster doesn’t say much about trivialities like
food supplies, potable water, and where everybody will go to the bathroom, he’s
real specific about the intricate socio-economic aspects of cavern-sharing.
“Since there is no currency at Home 2K," he says, "sexual favors can be traded
within the context of the community's bartering system.” Hmmmm. In spite of
the strict standards for membership, it seems to me that an old ugly
fat broad with dentures who listens only to Rush and who couldn’t build a fire
if her life depended on it just might do pretty well here - if she took her
teeth out once in a while.
A serious note on Y2K Preparedness: Some poor schmuck in North Carolina, believed to be one of the very first Y2K victims, was burglarized last week. Gold and silver coins
valued at over $15,000 were stolen from his residential stockpile.
Okay, what the hell was he thinking? As any well-prepared Y2K stockpiler knows,
NOBODY’S gonna be interested in precious metal after the millennium kimchee
hits the fan. That poor guy should have hoarded stuff that’s REALLY gonna be
valuable to average Americans who no longer have easy access to a well-stocked
supermarket.
Stuff like toilet paper, chilled bottles of Cold Duck and back issues of Vanity
Fair.
SITES TO SEE
Lumen Foods
When Nature Calls
Y2KBodyArmor.com
Home 2K
Caroline Wright, of
WRIGHT FOR YOU
Word Services, is a freelance writer. A former resident of Hawaii, she now
lives in rural South Carolina. Feel free to e-mail your comments to Caroline
at
cw@wrightforyou.com.
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