 
My friend Virginia is one of the most beautiful women I know. She’s witty, intelligent, and loyal; she’s raising a great kid, all by herself; and she’s a gourmet cook, too. She also, quite frankly, has gigantic breasts. But with the exception of a single encounter born of utter desperation, she hasn’t gotten laid (much less had a shot at a serious relationship with a decent guy) in almost four years. Virginia needs to be online. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: no matter WHAT you want, from poetry to radial tires, you’ll find it in cyberspace. Look at the incredible growth of e-commerce! In cyberspace, a savvy marketer can easily achieve the brass ring: transactions that are consumer-initiated and relationships that are consumer-maintained. And love is no different. Relationships, like everything else, are booming on the Internet. Though I had trouble finding hard statistics for online romance, I DID manage to find a site called the Mental Health NET, on which brain farmers post their thoughts on the new Cyberculture. (I mean, ya gotta love ANY group that validates the study of “the formation and functioning of online communities such as Quake Clans or MUD/Usenet/e-mail groups”.) There are some lively discussions on e-romance here, too, and more to come. Geek Seeks Geekette Are you just a normal kinda guy, looking to meet a normal kinda girl (or vice versa)? Well, there are many options for you. Pay sites for personal ads seem to be better maintained and regulated by a real person (generally called “The Matchmaker”). A great example is Match.com. With glowing reviews from USA Today and Newsweek, this site claims usage by more than 1,300,000 people worldwide. But if you don’t want to pay a fee for something that others do for free, try One-And-Only.com or Romancemakers.com. Physically challenged ‘Net surfers can look for their soulmates online, as well. DisabledDating.com offers paid members a Java-based chat area and space for detailed ads, complete with photographs. It’s pricy, though - $49.95 for a 6-month membership. Where Are Your Hands, Right Now? In one of the few surveys I unearthed, a large online personals site talked to 4,500 of its members about various issues of interest to cybersingles. I found it terribly amusing that 54% of this survey’s respondents say that they’ve typed, at least once, with only one hand on the keyboard! Cybersex can turn even the mildest-mannered recluse into a erotic machine. Of course, there are many wildly varying degrees of literary competency out there. I recall with amusement a chat I had a few months ago with a friend of mine, who was getting bored with his virtual playmate. “She’s smart, yeah, “ he responded to my queries, “and from her photo, she’s quite pretty... and she’s sorta twisted, just like me...” He sighed wistfully. “But, Caroline, she just doesn’t TYPE fast enough!” If you’re REALLY lucky, you’re all set up with microphone, camera, and audio/video chat programs, so that you can speak directly to your new cybersweetie while transmitting and viewing images of each other. If you have mIRC or Pirch, you already know that Internet Relay Chat (IRC) is a hotbed of folks looking to connect in one way or another. If not, don’t despair; many of the personals sites have Java-based chat forums that you can use to talk to your new friend online. Mysterious Ways If you’re a spiritual soul, looking for a partner whose faith is similar to your own, you’ll be delighted to learn that the Internet can probably help. Personals websites for almost every religion on the planet can be found online. One of the Jewish personals sites offers a few tips on Potential Mother-In-Law Syndrome, including this terrifying anecdote from a nice Jewish girl named Sharon, whose relationship with Jonah seems doomed: "In the beginning, I told my mother that Jonah couldn't come because he has a fear of heights--my parents live in a penthouse on the thirtieth floor of an apartment building. So they moved to a ground floor apartment.” There’s hope for lonely Mormons, too. Look for your soulmate at the LDS Singles Connection. You’ll even find testimonials from other happy Mormons who were sealed in temples around the world with folks they met through this very website. I found the testimonials quite fascinating, particularly this one, from some brave soul who perhaps has more faith than common sense: “Debbie and I will be married this year. I am in true love, and I have never seen Debbie in person. We have a love between us that is truly spiritual, not founded on physical contact. The advice to Mormon women seeking love online is also interesting:
“Get references, beginning with ‘Mom’. Write in your
Alternatively Yours
I looked carefully on the next site for the suggested use of Mom as a character reference. Didn’t have any luck, but then I guess ALT.com is the kind of site your mother would have warned you about, if the Internet had been around when you entered puberty.
“Dedicated to the pursuit of alternative lifestyles (e.g., BDSM) - nothing is taboo!” this site’s intro page proudly proclaims. Membership is free, and you can join by completing one of the most interesting registration forms I’ve ever seen. “You are”, it says, inviting you to pick one of the following: a man, a woman, a couple, a gay or lesbian couple, or a group. A group?!? At ALT.com, you can register to meet any number of people of any sort of proclivity for a wide variety of interesting activities, including mutual exploration of the pleasures of altocalciphilia (high heels), dacryphilia (tears), and feathers. Yeah, you heard me, FEATHERS. Perhaps I’ll register my chickens. They look like they could use a little excitement these days.
An international site with members from Afghanistan to Yugoslavia, ALT.com allows lonelyhearts to use a number of explicit search criteria to choose Mr., Ms., or Multiple Right(s). These include piercings, length of body hair, and cup size. Looking for a dominant chesty non-smoking woman living in Zagreb, Croatia? ALT.com’s search engine, wittily called the “Love Dog”, will find your dream girl and drag her to your virtual doorstep. And listen up, you kinky seestahs out there: when I looked at this site, there were 206 lonely Hawaii guys registered and ready for to hear from an alterna-girl just like YOU!!!
One last word of caution from Auntie Caroline: please take this stuff seriously. There are freaky stalkers out there, male and female alike. If you don’t play safe, you might start looking for Mr. Right and end up finding Mr. Goodbar. Use your favorite search engine to look for articles containing the words “Internet”, “romance”, “caution”, and “stranger”; you’ll be rewarded with links to the things you need to consider before your big adventure. And if all else fails, online megabookseller Amazon.com lists at least six books, each published no more than two and a half years ago, on the perils, pitfalls, and pleasures of love on the ‘Net.
Happy hunting!
Sites To See
Mental Health NET/Cyberculture
Match.com
One And Only
Romancemakers
Disabled Dating
Jewish Date
LDS Singles Connection
ALT.com
Caroline Wright, of WRIGHT FOR YOU Word Services, is a freelance writer. A former resident of Hawaii, she now lives in rural South Carolina. Feel free to e-mail your comments to Caroline at cw@wrightforyou.com.
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