 
Okay, folks. This is a test. Let’s say you break a molar chewing leftover Milk Duds from Halloween. You make a midnight phone call and score an emergency appointment with your dentist. “Oh yes, Dr. DeSade can fit you in... but there might be a bit of a wait,” the receptionist chirps. Next morning, you walk into his office promptly at 8 AM and find that it’s already filled with a dozen other dental cases, all clutching their painful jaws, waiting nervously for their date with the drill. With horror, you realize that you might be there for hours. You look around for something to keep your mind off your throbbing tooth. The other patients have, of course, grabbed the current issues of the good stuff, leaving you a colorful assortment of exciting brochures on the receptionist’s desk, with titles like “Be True To Your Teeth, Or They’ll Be False To You”. There’s a pitiful selection on the coffee table: Dentists And Their Drills, Oral Hygiene Confidential, Bicuspid Monthly... Suddenly the door to the inner sanctum is thrown open dramatically by the receptionist. “Mrs. Costa?” she calls. A woman with a jaw the size of a grapefruit rises from her chair and shuffles off to her fate. AHA!!! You spy the magazine she has left behind: a rag-eared copy of People. What do you do?
A. Pick up the magazine and see that it's six months old. You don't care; Hollywood gossip is your secret indulgence. You settle into your chair and begin perusing the slightly stale but still tasty exploits of Madonna, Rosie, and Leonardo. If you selected “C”, you probably should find some other article to read. There must be a fascinating essay on motherboards somewhere in this newspaper; turn the page now, and go look for it. THIS article, dear reader, is devoted to Hollywood Online. It comes as no surprise to me that cyberspace is simply the best source available for the latest gossip in the galaxy. But I was astonished, gentle reader, at the incredible length and depth of the Internet grapevine. Who’d have guessed that there’d be so much out there? Shall we start with the conventional stuff on the World Wide Web? People, Entertainment Weekly, and National Enquirer all have their own websites. (Heck, even TV Guide has its own site!) In my opinion, they’re all fairly uninspired. On to the next layer of dirt. If you’re an aspiring entertainment professional (read “waitress”) you’ll probably be delighted to hear that Variety, the industry’s best-known publication, can be found online. Since its creation in 1905, Variety has provided its readers with insider information and hot news about what happens behind the scenes in Hollywood. Start reading it daily, and you’ll have your own sitcom pilot in no time. Remember Tommy Kirk? Kathy Garver? Robert Pine? Me neither. Celebrity Lost and Found is a promising new addition to the Internet Movie Database (IMDb). Each week, this site highlights the rise and fall of a star who’s fallen into obscurity, or simply robbed a convenience store. If you just want to watch a movie, check out the IMDb itself. Brought to you by the busy folks at Amazon.com, the IMDb is arguably the most comprehensive virtual warehouse of film information on the ‘Net, with 170,479 titles and over 2,462,516 filmography entries. I am impressed by its search engine, which allows you to find movies based on a particular cast or crew member. Gee, that Alan Smithee is the hardest working guy in Hollywood! My favorite Hollywood magazine happens to be Movieline, because it contains just the right blend of bitchy gossip and entertainment news. However, these jokers don’t seem to have gotten around to building a web presence. Till they get their act together, I’ll have to be content with Mr. Showbiz, who invites readers this week to vote: “Which gracefully aging actress would you most like to see pose nekkid in Playboy?” (As of this writing, Raquel Welch has 31.9% of the vote.) For the ultimate in irreverence, you might consider jumping into the Celebrity Death Pool. According to the instructions, it’s quite easy: “First, think of a celebrity who is a likely candidate. ‘Likely’ sometimes translates into ‘the old, the overweight, the addicted.’” And there’s always the Dead People Server: “simply a list of interesting celebrities who are, or might plausibly be, dead...” Beyond The Web Bored with solo forays into virtual voyeurism? There are all kinds of things you can do to interact with other grapevine-climbers. Newsgroups, for example. There are probably two dozen newsgroups devoted to man-of-the-moment Leonardo Dicaprio. For general, all-purpose gossip, check out alt.gossip.celebrities or alt.showbiz.gossip. I found the following scrumptious nugget: Naomi Campbell has written a piece for today's NYTimes Magazine. It's ostensibly a criticism of a new novel by Jay McInerney. She's appalled that he relies on a stereotype of "Model-as-Bimbo"... Some bon mots from the article: "Puh-leez!! The models I know are sharp as tweezers in ways that count." Interested in purported pics of your favorite celebrities in various states of dishabille? If you know how to get into Internet Relay Chat, there are several Dalnet channels that will help you scratch your wicked little itch! Wanna hear more? The website for #celeb_korner (which requires surfers to acknowledge that they are over 18 and therefore legally entitled to access this icky stuff) proudly claims that this IRC channel specializes in “Celeb Pics, Model Pics, Celeb Movies, Model Movies, MP3's, and of course CHATTING.” The regulars in these channels seem predominantly to be males of a certain age (somewhere between adolescence and retirement), and they’re all slinging goods like naked pics of Jenny McCarthy and naked movies of somebody named Angel Boris, and slightly scandalous photos of every damn female actress on the WB... * noodlehead offering a pic of Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bra with a top hung on shoulders... to get this pic type /ctcp noodlehead !Hewitt Sigh. Here, go checkum out! SITES TO SEE
People
Entertainment Weekly
TV Guide
National Enquirer
Variety
Internet Movie Database
Celebrity Lost & Found
Mr. Showbiz
Celebrity Death Pool
Dead People Server On Internet Relay Chat (IRC)
Undernet
Dalnet Newsgroups
alt.gossip.celebrities
Caroline Wright, of WRIGHT FOR YOU Word Services, is a freelance writer. A former resident of Hawaii, she now lives in rural South Carolina. Feel free to e-mail your comments to Caroline at cw@wrightforyou.com.
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